I know, I know, it’s a philosophy/religion blog or something. But in the atheism/skepticism communities, I find myself relatively alone in two things: (1) being an accountant and (2) being a sports fan. Since nobody anywhere wants to read about accounting, I figure if I’m going to carve out a niche readership, I should go sports. So from now on you can consider this your one and only stop for skeptic atheist accountant college football predictions. It’s what you’ve been looking for in a blog all along; you’re only now realizing it!
So let’s get started:
UT Martin at #1 Mississippi State: Mississippi State mistakes this spot on their schedule as a bye week and recognizes their mascot on the tube halfway through their fourth bowl of Cheerios, but it’s a home game so a few of them show up for kickoff. Dak Prescott gets there halfway through the 4th quarter and runs for 6 touchdowns in bunny slippers. Miss State 100-0, but I may have slid a decimal point.
Virginia at #2 FSU: Jameis Winston plays a perfect game… from a point shaving standpoint and FSU wins 35-31.
Texas A&M at #3 Auburn: This is a letdown game for the Aggies after their emotional win over Louisiana Monroe last week. They’ve had that one circled on their schedule since February, and this is a dictionary definition trap game against little known Auburn. Auburn pulls the shocker and beats A&M 60-15 in overtime.
#4 Oregon at #17 Utah: The team whose stadium’s name is more clever than their mascot’s puts the Oregonians to a test in a late night game. The Utes give up an early safety because the Ducks arrive in their new Nike “sports reporter” uniforms and schedule a post kickoff interview with Travis Wilson in his own endzone. That old gag. The Ducks tack on four 2-point conversions and win 34-28.
#5 Alabama at #16 LSU: LSU fans are the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful people on the planet. LSU feeds off of the good vibes at their home field and wins 16-5.
#7 Kansas State at #6 TCU: A wildcat is no lion. Christians win 45-21.
#14 Ohio State at #8 Michigan State: The Big 10 is happily in the middle of their conference schedule, as there each game guarantees at least a win or a tie for a conference team. MSU over OSU 30-14.
#10 Notre Dame at #9 Arizona State: Everett Golson sits out the game to study for exams. ASU wins 21-14.
#40,000 Presbyterian at #11 Ole Miss: Olay Miss, as my adorable Puerto Rican bride calls them, hangs on to win 60-1 in another gutsy scheduling call by the SEC.
#12 Baylor at #15 Oklahoma: So many questions surrounding this game, I’m guessing. The off-the-field scandals of some sort are pushed aside as Art Briles focuses on game day. The recent death of somebody’s near or distant relative motivates one of the two teams to a thrilling, passionate, special, or typical victory. Exact score: 52-37, but the real winner is the human spirit.
#18 UCLA at Washington: The Huskies beat themselves again. No really, Shaq Thompson gets confused about playing both offense and defense and accidentally puts on a Bruin uniform. Before it’s too late UCLA goes up 21-0 and the score stays there for the second half.
Colorado at #19 Arizona: Arizona calls more Hail Marys than all the Popes combined. Anu Solomon (who doesn’t have a Twitter account because it won’t let him put a space between his first and last name) is successful on one of them, which is enough to beat a Colorado squad suffering from a rash of injuries. If you count sucking as an injury. 10-0.
#20 Georgia at Kentucky: Georgia 24-14.
#21 Clemson at Wake Forest: Wake 38-10. I feel pretty good about this one.
#22 Duke at Syracuse: This ACC showdown is going to be awesome… in basketball season. Duke wins, but nobody catches the final score.
#23 West Virginia at Texas: Charlie Strong realizes he only left a 17% tip at Kerbey Lane this morning and suspends himself for misconduct. West Virginia capitalizes with a 20-3 victory in Austin.
#24 Georgia Tech at NC State: State 22-19.
#25 Wisconsin at Purdue: Badgers run for 600 yards and 14 points, winning by 3.
That’s it! Put your picks for any games, ranked or not, in the comments. Hell, just say anything in the comments. I want so badly for someone to comment on my blog.